The mental state of a child between the ages of birth to 8 years old is operating in a meditative state of hypnosis where all the implicit and explicit messages are taken in as absolute truth in this state. People tell you who you are before you get a chance to decide for yourself, and the work of our adult lives is to unlearn these beliefs- so deep in our subconscious that many of us never even think to question, is this me? Or is this who I was told is me? 

Many of us are living in a kind of imposter syndrome, playing out the part written for us and attracting into our lives everything to perpetuate this facade. Preserving your identity is a survival instinct that feels like life or death. For many people, this causes them to burn out, some with consequences that cannot be undone.

Lets take me, for example… literally every report card I ever got referred to me as “capable”, “a leader”, and “asks a lot of questions, usually about rules”. This may seem somewhat positive but to me it said: “capable” = doesn’t need much support; “leader” = bossy; “asks a lot of questions, usually about rules” = contrarian, has problems with authority. Combine those with being the oldest girl of 5 siblings and boom, identity hardwired. (Our birth orders alone hands us a character to play right off the bat.)

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. After all, it was the logical conclusion to my programmed identity. So when I had my son and the catastrophic anxiety hit, I was dumbfounded and confused. Well actually, I like to think of my anxiety as a superpower: an ability to imagine the worst-case scenario with freakish detail- to take in all exits and potential threats within a two-second cursory glance of a room… but also have an empathy for the horrors of the world that leaves me emotionally crippled and breathless for weeks.

Enter Zoloft. Now let me tell you that I come from a family who believes that exercise cures all (my dad has run 15 marathons and still runs every day). And for me, exercise does cure, but not everything. Generally I believe suffering is a necessary part of evolving and should be embraced, you can only rise from the ashes if you sit in the fire. But only the real you knows if the suffering is facilitating growth and only the real you knows when that lines been crossed. 

I am eternally grateful for the lift Zoloft gave me during the time I needed it to create enough distance between ME and the emotions that were not me- just something to objectively view as separate, but real. To look at my emotions objectively as not ME, but rather something I was experiencing, was the gift Zoloft gave me. I was on it after giving birth to Remi, then off for a year, then back on for my next baby, and now fully off. And let me tell you that this little blue pill got me to a place where I could be clear and present for myself and the people in my life who depend on me. 

So for anyone out there feeling a sense of shame about needing some distance from your superpowers, to unpack the “you” that’s you and the “you” that you were programmed to be, I’m here to listen without judgement. I hope my experience can offer a little insight into the shame and stigma around using medication as a catalyst for self-discovery and growth, and not as the perpetuated false myth as it being a scapegoat for the weak. 

(For those curious to learn more, Bruce Lipton’s The Biology of Belief is my favorite book on the topic of early childhood programming).